I don't want to bring religion into this, particularly, as it's a difficult topic for me to address and not one I have the strength for right now. I'm just going to say, simply, that the universe provides - or at least it seems to - if you are willing to listen. I remember railing out at the world not long after Christmas (my first ever one alone).. 'give me something to live for!' Not long afterwards I received an email via a website I had forgotten I'd joined to come try out for a band. The band I'm singing with today. I've always loved to sing, but had very little confidence in my voice. Still, I harboured a desire to give myself a chance to have some part in an actual band. I don't have a very strong voice - I can't do power ballads or party songs, the things desired by a lot of commercial bands. And I didn't feel I had enough of a distinctive voice to be in an original band - hell, I don't play an instrument well or write my own music. Still, I signed up to a website that connects local musicians, I even approached a couple of people, with no luck, and then I forgot about it. Until the email arrived.
So, now I'm with a small group of guys who want me as their lead singer, who actively encourage me to write lyrics (and, to my amazement, I have been) and who don't make me feel like I need to be glamorous or petite to be a lead singer (good job, cos I'm really not). I'm doing something I've always wanted to do and never thought I would. We're not perfect, by any means; we've yet to gig (we're aiming for our first next month) and there have been too many days when my moods have wanted me to give it all up. But, somehow, I've stuck it out because I figure if the universe will answer my plea the least I can do is work with what it provides.
And, this isn't a one off, albeit the most dramatic and easiest to describe. I rail at the world, demanding, pleading, hoping for something to get me through the next week, day or hour like a child in a tantrum. I can't think of a time when I haven't been answered, somehow. It doesn't have to be a big deal - just enough, just a hint that life is worth living and fighting for. A few words - like last week when my sister told me she was proud of me. This meant more to me that I can possibly describe. I can't remember the last time someone told me they were proud of me, and certainly not for fighting a condition that the majority of people can't even understand and the situation she is in herself makes it the more poignant. I felt lifted up.
I forgot all this, as I always do in the darkness, when I wrote my post yesterday. I screamed out into the void because I needed someone to listen to me and I didn't think anyone was left that would. I should know better: into my inbox dropped an email from a complete stranger. Someone was there, someone was listening - a simple gesture of kindness that got me through the rest of the day. I'll always be grateful.
This is what it's all about, what I've wanted to blog about for so long and haven't been able to: there is so much to live for, so many people willing to reach out to one another. But you have to be willing to accept it when it comes - to work with the universe, embrace the little things, recognise the hope they offer and let them have a positive impact on your life. And then, take your own opportunities to give the same back - it's important. It's easy to think when you have depression that you have nothing to offer anyone, but that really isn't true. I think we tend to focus on the big gestures that we don't have the resources to make but it really doesn't take that much to help someone else: a smile, a greeting.. an email out of the blue. Just because you can't always see the impact it has on someone's life doesn't mean it hasn't had one.
I'm going to edit this later, and add to it as my first proper post on the new blog. Until then, I just want to utter another thank you to a random stranger and to the universe.
No comments:
Post a Comment