I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

So today I'm going to see 'the ex' .. let's call him Walter (still following the Charlotte Perkins Gilman conceit.. but, honestly.. Walter?). Feels weird to call him 'the ex' as we're still, for all intents and purposes, married. Feels weirder still that this will be the first time I've seen him since October last year. Until my departure in September 2009, the longest we'd spent apart since 1997 was one week. Today he's bringing some more of my stuff (keyboard, camera, knitting.. I need things to do, dammit!) and we're going to our old home to meet with an auctioneer in a last attempt to get some equity before the mortgage company follows through on its threats to reclaim it.

And I'm sitting here trying to work out how I feel. I know why I left, and I know why I'm not going back. I don't have the emotional energy to blog about it right now, so you'll have to trust me that It Was For The Best and We Are Still Friends. But, I know today is going to be hard for both of us, how can it not be? We met when I was 18, that's a huge part of my life connected to someone else's. And Walter? (the name is still making me giggle) well, it wasn't his choice to finish it, really - although we mutually agreed by the end - and that weighs on my conscience. I hate making decisions, and that was a big one. On the bright side, given that I'm still crying like an idiot pretty much every day, maybe he'll be reminded why it wasn't so much fun having me around.

Oh well, only 4.5 hours until he arrives. Wish me luck.